Solar Eclipse Review

As August trudges into its third week, it’s becoming more and more clear that any semblance of quality has long left us behind for the summer. This rings true in yesterday’s Solar Eclipse, the latest from the sky, which has given us monumental classics in the past, such as clouds. But this new phenomenon from the above atmosphere rehashes elements we’ve all seen and attempts to package them to the masses as something new and exciting.

The Moon (whom you may remember from night) makes a rare, and dare I say unwelcome, daytime appearance in this spectacle which this reviewer found to be out of character for the C-Grade celestial body. This Lunar hasbeen then proceeds to inch its way in front of the Sun and remains there for what feels like an eternal two minutes and forty seconds. The result of this over-hyped anomaly being a shroud of darkness that covers American soil.

Of course, the Solar Eclipse has already amassed a sizable amount of interest from the hoi polloi. Slack jawed mobs couldn’t be more excited by the prospect of of everyone’s second favorite sky-ball receiving some day play. It might be just under three minutes of novelty air time for the space rock now, but what next? Five minutes? An hour? As far as we know, this may be a marketing ploy to boost the reputation of the Moon and gauge public interest. Would Millennials care if they did away with the Sun all together? Not likely.

When I was a child the Sun was admired – treasured. The Sun represented good, American ideals. It’s a star that pulled itself up by its bootstraps and worked hard to make it in this industry. And how is the Sun portrayed in this Solar Eclipse? Why, as the villain, the evil tyrant, only there to be stomped out by the Moon. Yes, the Moon is certainly the satellite of the new generation, justified in taking that which he hasn’t earned: the position of our dear friend, the Sun.

So keep your fidget spinners, your dabbing, and your Moon, kids. I’m sticking with America’s Sun, thank you very much.